by Sharon Thornton Montgomery on Tuesday, 09 March 2010.
I've crossed over.
I don't know when i did it. I don't remember the exact date or event, but here i am. A grown up. One minute i'm roller skating around my mom and dad's unfinished family room (trying not to get splinters from the plywood when I fall) thinking, “This is the life. The feeling of freedom and flying and not doing chores. Can it get better than this?”, and the next minute i'm roller skating in a quaint warehouse-turned-80's-disco, cajoling my daughter onto the rink as she watches me wobble around the half wall. I practically spun around from one age to the next with hardly a blink. Crap. My blinks must have gotten longer the older i got.
My whole thoughts, as i'm in this warehouse/roller rink, go like this: “I am NOT going to get knocked over by the 9 year old in lime-green hair. Again. A-HA!"..."This is so fun!"..."Well... i remember it being fun, but why don't my legs work like they used to? And why am i so much taller than the other people on the rink?”..."Why are all the parents on the side, shaking their head at me, with pity in their eyes??!!!" I honestly thought i could just pick up where i left off a few weeks/years..../decades ago. Dur.
I look over at the DJ up in the magical booth of music and notice that he's not quite the memory i remember, either. A cool grown up with the ultimate job, and a look on his face that says, “Envy me. I can put on any music I want and have people DANCE around me. AH AH AHH!!!”,... he is not. Oh no. This guy is a pimply 16 year old with a bored look on his face, wondering why he waited so long to look for a summer job. The look on his face that i first took as bliss at landing this fantastic job is actually incredulity that he has kept this gig under wraps from his girlfriend for so long. (She thinks he works at Boondocks.)
So I've crossed over. What's the big deal? Other people have gone there before me. They seem happy and... actually..... happy-ER. It's like they are keeping the line going steady for me, just waiting for me to take the bait and move forward. No big deal for them.
The big deal for me is being in resistance to change, i guess. I know what it feels like to be a kid, because i've done it already. Familiar is good, even if it is keeping me in the past. Letting go of something i know is good, for something i only hear about being better...We-eh-ehll!...That's a risk, a gamble, and it isn't a sure thing. Ever heard the story of the monkey and the mouldy peanuts? Look it up. End result is that the monkey is trapped by something good, and is unwilling to let go of the stuff he is holding on to, in order to get what's better for him.
I would much rather be, by the way, in my 30 some-things and having a great time in the present, than back at the younger age and not able to progress. Now. I have a feeling things just get better the further along I go.
Alright, I'm ready to take the bait. GULP!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
My mom always wanted me to write in my journal.
Just about spiritual things. So here goes. I am hanging out in my temple. My feet are dirty, I am sticky from sweat, and I am laying down on my sofa with no one around. I have some serious joy going on.
I ran/walked today. Who cares? I do. Because I noticed that it was just me out there in the 94 degree day. I mean, of course there were others. The bulked up guy sweating it out on the top of his mountain bike. The older couple in spandex holding each other up coming down the hill. The nazi mom with 3 kids keeping them well exercised and hydrated at precisely the right time. (This is Colorado, after all.)
What I’m saying, though, is that no one was with me but me. No one was with me in my black shorts that were really my sons swim trunks (not a good idea in the sweltering air) , complete with mesh-ness (a great idea). No one shared my blotchy face and breathe counting. Not one person felt my butt muscles work, but me. My wheezing at the end… was my own. I was my temple. My place of honor, of love, of peace and comfort. I guess mom was right after all. She always said not to defile “My Temple”, and to take care of it. What a blessing.
it was me that decided when to push faster and when to ease up. It was me that asked myself why I had let my thighs grow together so my shorts rode up. And, it was me that forgave myself, got a chuckle out of it, and used it as a rhythm to walk to. (fwwp, fwwp, fwwp…step to the side to bring them down,…fwwp, fwwp, fwwp, …step to the side…) This has become a spiritual ritual that I adhere to daily. No husband, no kids or friends go with me, and it is damned freeing. I am partaking in the joy of doing it for me. The sky, the air, the bugs, the sounds, the flavor of the outdoor world… these are my temple grounds. Woot.
Each time I went from voluptuous curves, to “you look great! So thin! How did you do it?”, it was due to a heartache of some kind. A tragedy. I didn’t eat or sleep as I was going through heartache, and the pounds just fell off. No joy in it a-tall. Currently, however, I am not in a relationship with a heartache, so I wanted to see what it was like to be healthy on my terms. Thus the walk/run every day earlier than the rest of the family gets up.
I don’t ask or want praise from family or friends. I don’t care that my socks match my shirt when I go. I certainly don’t brush my teeth first. I absolutely revel in taking this space and being perfect in it, however it looks. Even when it looks like taking two water bottles and lifting them in the air at various positions to get my arms a workout at the same time. Or cans, as the case was today. The older couple on the hill thought that was great. I know this because I wasn’t paying attention to them until I whacked the lady in the shoulder with one. (I now know her name is Thelma and she has 9 grandkids).
Then back to the breathing, the counting, and listening to the latest Harry Dresden audiobook as the prairie dogs chitter at me and the gnats compete with my nose hair.
The stretching at the end is the best. The climax. Out on my lawn, still alone and dedicated to my ritual as cars and neighbors pass. I bend, lunge, reach, and flex until… Until… until I am done. I water my plants, checking on them, loving them, and staying smelly for another half hour or so Just for the joy of it. When finally I move indoors, I look to the next step, and now comes the only decision of the morning. Shower? Or flop on my sofa and Facebook? Either way, I have permagrin.
I ran/walked today. Who cares? I do. Because I noticed that it was just me out there in the 94 degree day. I mean, of course there were others. The bulked up guy sweating it out on the top of his mountain bike. The older couple in spandex holding each other up coming down the hill. The nazi mom with 3 kids keeping them well exercised and hydrated at precisely the right time. (This is Colorado, after all.)
What I’m saying, though, is that no one was with me but me. No one was with me in my black shorts that were really my sons swim trunks (not a good idea in the sweltering air) , complete with mesh-ness (a great idea). No one shared my blotchy face and breathe counting. Not one person felt my butt muscles work, but me. My wheezing at the end… was my own. I was my temple. My place of honor, of love, of peace and comfort. I guess mom was right after all. She always said not to defile “My Temple”, and to take care of it. What a blessing.
it was me that decided when to push faster and when to ease up. It was me that asked myself why I had let my thighs grow together so my shorts rode up. And, it was me that forgave myself, got a chuckle out of it, and used it as a rhythm to walk to. (fwwp, fwwp, fwwp…step to the side to bring them down,…fwwp, fwwp, fwwp, …step to the side…) This has become a spiritual ritual that I adhere to daily. No husband, no kids or friends go with me, and it is damned freeing. I am partaking in the joy of doing it for me. The sky, the air, the bugs, the sounds, the flavor of the outdoor world… these are my temple grounds. Woot.
Each time I went from voluptuous curves, to “you look great! So thin! How did you do it?”, it was due to a heartache of some kind. A tragedy. I didn’t eat or sleep as I was going through heartache, and the pounds just fell off. No joy in it a-tall. Currently, however, I am not in a relationship with a heartache, so I wanted to see what it was like to be healthy on my terms. Thus the walk/run every day earlier than the rest of the family gets up.
I don’t ask or want praise from family or friends. I don’t care that my socks match my shirt when I go. I certainly don’t brush my teeth first. I absolutely revel in taking this space and being perfect in it, however it looks. Even when it looks like taking two water bottles and lifting them in the air at various positions to get my arms a workout at the same time. Or cans, as the case was today. The older couple on the hill thought that was great. I know this because I wasn’t paying attention to them until I whacked the lady in the shoulder with one. (I now know her name is Thelma and she has 9 grandkids).
Then back to the breathing, the counting, and listening to the latest Harry Dresden audiobook as the prairie dogs chitter at me and the gnats compete with my nose hair.
The stretching at the end is the best. The climax. Out on my lawn, still alone and dedicated to my ritual as cars and neighbors pass. I bend, lunge, reach, and flex until… Until… until I am done. I water my plants, checking on them, loving them, and staying smelly for another half hour or so Just for the joy of it. When finally I move indoors, I look to the next step, and now comes the only decision of the morning. Shower? Or flop on my sofa and Facebook? Either way, I have permagrin.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
That flavor of popcorn will never taste the same....
by Sharon Thornton Montgomery on Sunday, 14 March 2010 at 23:10
I never knew that the startle response could go on and on and on. Remember the feeling of being scared out of your wits, coming around a corner and almost running into someone? "Oh! You scared the crap out of me!" Then laughing for an ackward second as you walk away, but your heart is still pounding and you think you peed just a bit? Yeah, that startle response. I'm good with one of those a decade, and here it was a continuous moment that just wouldn't go away.
One minute I'm having a great night out at the movies and thinking, "It's about time I relax and let down my guard. I'm with good company, after all, and I'm stuffed to the gills with great food." The next minute, I notice how many people are near me, brushing up against me, STARING at me. Then BOOM! My heart feels like a hand is around it, making a fist. Squeezing.... squeezing...squeezing. How can this feeling hurt so much??
Looking around, I'm terrified of each and every person's motions. The moments slow down, and as I move my eyes around there is an echo of the picture before it. Bu-na na na. Bu-na na na. The Six Million Dollar Man sounds are playing in my head as I look around in terror. Every movement, whether head on, or periphrial, is acutely jarring.
I look at the person next to me and wonder if she can tell how creepy, how .... violated.... I suddenly feel. "How can I make this stop?!"
This is so silly, I rationalize. I'll just stand here, in the corner with my back up against the wall, and breathe. Only, it just keeps getting worse. All these people were actually breathing the air I needed! Oh No! I can hear my friend asking me if I needed anything, if I was ok. I even hear myself say "Yes, I'm fine. I'll wait here while you step into the restroom."... And that was just the beginning. Once she was gone, I couldn't breathe! Ears ringing, short sharp breaths with my heart pounding in my throat, I didn't know how to ease the squeezing in my chest.
I will never, EVER question the validity of someone else's panic attack. Or my own.
While she was gone, I just wanted to slide down to the floor and cry. I went from 36 years old to 7, just like that. Ahhh! So many people staring at me! Are they looking at me because they know how vulnerable, how scared of them I am? Or are they looking because i'm looking at them and jumping slightly as they come nearer and nearer to me? Their eyes, which just a few minutes ago said they were having a good time at the movies, now said that any one of them could corner me, could hurt me, and no one else would help.
And then, the calm came through the storm. Thank you BFF, for coming out of the restroom and seeing me even though I thought you had forgotten me, or missed me in the crowd and I was sure I was alone. I figured I was hiding my untimely terror pretty well as you "decided" that, instead of hanging around and doing another movie, we could just head home.
We walked out of the doors of the movie theatre and I figured I could keep this to my self, what with the fresh air, the moving away from the crowds, and...and...and then it hit me again. Like a wave. Instead of people, it was darkness, and the people that were around and passing us. The wave slapped me again, and I couldn't breathe.
I wonder at the calm and patience you showed as you stopped to hug me on the sidewalk as my tears and snot rolled down your leather jacket. Thank you for hugging me through the shaking and sobbing while the little girl in the window of the restaurant stared at me. Thank you for keeping me walking in the right direction when I had no idea where I parked my car. And sitting down with me as I was frozen stiff on the sidewalk, hurling the popcorn, the Coke with lemon, and the horrible memories that brought me here in the first place. Lastly, thank you for not making a big deal of me reaching back down to grasp desperately what was left of my bag of popcorn, and clutching it to me as you drove me home. You were so nonchalant as you brought me to the safety of my house, my family, and my quilt.
I remembered to breathe about 10 minutes or so into the ride home. I stopped rubbing my solar plexis around the time we turned off the freeway. The fist around my heart let go when I walked up the steps to my front door. And I started to regain my dignity 10 minutes after I wrapped my quilt around me and blew my nose for the umpteenth time with those precious Puffs tissues.
I have no idea when BFF left for the night, but I do know that I won't be getting popcorn for a long, long time. And... Life is not tidy...
I never knew that the startle response could go on and on and on. Remember the feeling of being scared out of your wits, coming around a corner and almost running into someone? "Oh! You scared the crap out of me!" Then laughing for an ackward second as you walk away, but your heart is still pounding and you think you peed just a bit? Yeah, that startle response. I'm good with one of those a decade, and here it was a continuous moment that just wouldn't go away.
One minute I'm having a great night out at the movies and thinking, "It's about time I relax and let down my guard. I'm with good company, after all, and I'm stuffed to the gills with great food." The next minute, I notice how many people are near me, brushing up against me, STARING at me. Then BOOM! My heart feels like a hand is around it, making a fist. Squeezing.... squeezing...squeezing. How can this feeling hurt so much??
Looking around, I'm terrified of each and every person's motions. The moments slow down, and as I move my eyes around there is an echo of the picture before it. Bu-na na na. Bu-na na na. The Six Million Dollar Man sounds are playing in my head as I look around in terror. Every movement, whether head on, or periphrial, is acutely jarring.
I look at the person next to me and wonder if she can tell how creepy, how .... violated.... I suddenly feel. "How can I make this stop?!"
This is so silly, I rationalize. I'll just stand here, in the corner with my back up against the wall, and breathe. Only, it just keeps getting worse. All these people were actually breathing the air I needed! Oh No! I can hear my friend asking me if I needed anything, if I was ok. I even hear myself say "Yes, I'm fine. I'll wait here while you step into the restroom."... And that was just the beginning. Once she was gone, I couldn't breathe! Ears ringing, short sharp breaths with my heart pounding in my throat, I didn't know how to ease the squeezing in my chest.
I will never, EVER question the validity of someone else's panic attack. Or my own.
While she was gone, I just wanted to slide down to the floor and cry. I went from 36 years old to 7, just like that. Ahhh! So many people staring at me! Are they looking at me because they know how vulnerable, how scared of them I am? Or are they looking because i'm looking at them and jumping slightly as they come nearer and nearer to me? Their eyes, which just a few minutes ago said they were having a good time at the movies, now said that any one of them could corner me, could hurt me, and no one else would help.
And then, the calm came through the storm. Thank you BFF, for coming out of the restroom and seeing me even though I thought you had forgotten me, or missed me in the crowd and I was sure I was alone. I figured I was hiding my untimely terror pretty well as you "decided" that, instead of hanging around and doing another movie, we could just head home.
We walked out of the doors of the movie theatre and I figured I could keep this to my self, what with the fresh air, the moving away from the crowds, and...and...and then it hit me again. Like a wave. Instead of people, it was darkness, and the people that were around and passing us. The wave slapped me again, and I couldn't breathe.
I wonder at the calm and patience you showed as you stopped to hug me on the sidewalk as my tears and snot rolled down your leather jacket. Thank you for hugging me through the shaking and sobbing while the little girl in the window of the restaurant stared at me. Thank you for keeping me walking in the right direction when I had no idea where I parked my car. And sitting down with me as I was frozen stiff on the sidewalk, hurling the popcorn, the Coke with lemon, and the horrible memories that brought me here in the first place. Lastly, thank you for not making a big deal of me reaching back down to grasp desperately what was left of my bag of popcorn, and clutching it to me as you drove me home. You were so nonchalant as you brought me to the safety of my house, my family, and my quilt.
I remembered to breathe about 10 minutes or so into the ride home. I stopped rubbing my solar plexis around the time we turned off the freeway. The fist around my heart let go when I walked up the steps to my front door. And I started to regain my dignity 10 minutes after I wrapped my quilt around me and blew my nose for the umpteenth time with those precious Puffs tissues.
I have no idea when BFF left for the night, but I do know that I won't be getting popcorn for a long, long time. And... Life is not tidy...
So This Is The Flavor of Crazy. Not Bad. Not Bad At All....
by Sharon Thornton Montgomery on Sunday, 06 June 2010 at 01:12
Summer. It's what I wait for every year. Summer equals fireworks, and watermelon. It equals gardening and promise. It equals sprinklers under the trampoline and stargazing. How, then, can I be caught by surprise when the heat and stickiness make me go crazy EVERY YEAR? It laces right over the heart of the watermelon I cram into my mouth, and sinks into the fabric of the hammock I just teetered on.
Crazy even shows its ugly head throughout the beauty of the 4th of July fireworks display as I fight the crowds to find that 3 foot square plot of land in the park. I cram the kids, snacks brought from home, lawn chairs, and a tent onto this spot so I can savor the golden moment, and KA-CHOW! our senses are assaulted.
Heat and stickiness seep into all of my activities throughout summer, but I forget about it until it has a firm hold of me and starts giggling.
I wonder why everyone and everything is irritating until I realize... Oh. I'm the grumpy one. I can't breathe in without feeling the dampness of my skin moving against my wrinkles in my clothes, and my hair. Immediately the thought pops in, "I'M GOING CRAZY!!!! If I don't...(insert ultimatum here)... I'll go crazy."
This year, If I don't cut my hair, I'll go crazy!!!
I'll deal with it here in a few more days. I'll look at the clouds and notice the moisture forming as I water my garden, or go to the mountains and breathe in the cooler air as I ride the Alpine Slide down the hill. I may even sample some fresh peas and forgive the heat altogether. I do remember that without the heat, I can't have the fantastic-ness that is summer. As long as Crazy tastes this good, I'll take it.
Summer. It's what I wait for every year. Summer equals fireworks, and watermelon. It equals gardening and promise. It equals sprinklers under the trampoline and stargazing. How, then, can I be caught by surprise when the heat and stickiness make me go crazy EVERY YEAR? It laces right over the heart of the watermelon I cram into my mouth, and sinks into the fabric of the hammock I just teetered on.
Crazy even shows its ugly head throughout the beauty of the 4th of July fireworks display as I fight the crowds to find that 3 foot square plot of land in the park. I cram the kids, snacks brought from home, lawn chairs, and a tent onto this spot so I can savor the golden moment, and KA-CHOW! our senses are assaulted.
Heat and stickiness seep into all of my activities throughout summer, but I forget about it until it has a firm hold of me and starts giggling.
I wonder why everyone and everything is irritating until I realize... Oh. I'm the grumpy one. I can't breathe in without feeling the dampness of my skin moving against my wrinkles in my clothes, and my hair. Immediately the thought pops in, "I'M GOING CRAZY!!!! If I don't...(insert ultimatum here)... I'll go crazy."
This year, If I don't cut my hair, I'll go crazy!!!
I'll deal with it here in a few more days. I'll look at the clouds and notice the moisture forming as I water my garden, or go to the mountains and breathe in the cooler air as I ride the Alpine Slide down the hill. I may even sample some fresh peas and forgive the heat altogether. I do remember that without the heat, I can't have the fantastic-ness that is summer. As long as Crazy tastes this good, I'll take it.
Oh Abby. The mohawk is just the start of a beautiful relationship with your Grandpa..
By Sharon Thornton Montgomery on Wednesday, 23 June 2010 at 23:41
I'm giggling.
Not out loud, because that would be odd. (I'm supposed to be sleeping, and my daughter is right next to me.) But nevertheless, I'm giggling on the inside. It's burbling up from my toes, through my knee caps, over my hips, and I'm keeping it at bay on top of my belly with some serious perma-grin and a note.
This is what the laughter is about: I'm remembering what my niece said to my dad this morning. Abby, who is a proud 4 year old, noticed that Grandpa T. didn't exactly approve of the mohawk she was giving to her little brother Carter. He came close to examine it and gave a small hint that he would look better with it down on his head.
She looked at Grandpa for a second and said, "Gwampa, Caw-tah is only pwetending to have one. He is too young. Not like you, Gwandpa. You awah old old OLD. But you don't have any ha-yah. Too bad." Observant? Yes. Grandpa T. is bald as an egg, except for the base of his skull. And I should say at this point, a bit sensitive about it. He would rather have a flowing mane of locks, but alas, it's not to be. The result to the comment was a bit of a scowl.
Now at this point, I would think that Abby would take the hint and change the subject, or at least go back to fixing Carters hair. Not so. She just plowed right on in her brutally honest way. (Somehow it works well, because she has an adorable voice. It's probably why she has made it to the ripe old age of 4.)
"Gwampa, you awah so so SO old, but you cannot be 100 yet, because when you awah 100, you die and stay dead." This seemed to be sound reasoning, so I didn't step in, other than to shift away about a foot from where my dad was plastering on a patient face. He is also keenly sensitive about not being 30 anymore. In addition, he had just come back from a brisk walk with me, and was ticked that he had to slow down for me, a young whippersnapper. Maybe that could be why he started snorting steam from his nostrils. Not sure.
(Carter, by the way, was happily chewing on an IPod in his high chair, and was oblivious to the dangerous situation that was brewing. Ignorance is bliss.)
Abby then came over and touched her grandpa, kind of patting him on the arm in a maternal way and blurted, "Oh Gwampa, does it hoot to be old? I would give you a mohawk if you had mo-ah ha-uh, but you don't because you awah too old to have ha-uh".
She Promptly gave him a great big hug, said she loved him, and went back once more to Carter's 'do.
The look on my dad's face was one of keen irritation. Then smiled. It melted his tantrum that was brewing. Once the hug came on, I could tell he was whipped. It explains why he keeps coming back for more, honestly. He is a grandkids boy, that's for sure.
It highlighted my morning, and as I assisted Abby with her brother's mohawk, and Grandpa went on to talk with his grandson, I realized that neither my dad, nor Abby would remember this moment as the funny moment it was. It deserved a good guffaw later. And that's just what I am doing now. It came out as a snort, but I know what it meant.
I'm giggling.
Not out loud, because that would be odd. (I'm supposed to be sleeping, and my daughter is right next to me.) But nevertheless, I'm giggling on the inside. It's burbling up from my toes, through my knee caps, over my hips, and I'm keeping it at bay on top of my belly with some serious perma-grin and a note.
This is what the laughter is about: I'm remembering what my niece said to my dad this morning. Abby, who is a proud 4 year old, noticed that Grandpa T. didn't exactly approve of the mohawk she was giving to her little brother Carter. He came close to examine it and gave a small hint that he would look better with it down on his head.
She looked at Grandpa for a second and said, "Gwampa, Caw-tah is only pwetending to have one. He is too young. Not like you, Gwandpa. You awah old old OLD. But you don't have any ha-yah. Too bad." Observant? Yes. Grandpa T. is bald as an egg, except for the base of his skull. And I should say at this point, a bit sensitive about it. He would rather have a flowing mane of locks, but alas, it's not to be. The result to the comment was a bit of a scowl.
Now at this point, I would think that Abby would take the hint and change the subject, or at least go back to fixing Carters hair. Not so. She just plowed right on in her brutally honest way. (Somehow it works well, because she has an adorable voice. It's probably why she has made it to the ripe old age of 4.)
"Gwampa, you awah so so SO old, but you cannot be 100 yet, because when you awah 100, you die and stay dead." This seemed to be sound reasoning, so I didn't step in, other than to shift away about a foot from where my dad was plastering on a patient face. He is also keenly sensitive about not being 30 anymore. In addition, he had just come back from a brisk walk with me, and was ticked that he had to slow down for me, a young whippersnapper. Maybe that could be why he started snorting steam from his nostrils. Not sure.
(Carter, by the way, was happily chewing on an IPod in his high chair, and was oblivious to the dangerous situation that was brewing. Ignorance is bliss.)
Abby then came over and touched her grandpa, kind of patting him on the arm in a maternal way and blurted, "Oh Gwampa, does it hoot to be old? I would give you a mohawk if you had mo-ah ha-uh, but you don't because you awah too old to have ha-uh".
She Promptly gave him a great big hug, said she loved him, and went back once more to Carter's 'do.
The look on my dad's face was one of keen irritation. Then smiled. It melted his tantrum that was brewing. Once the hug came on, I could tell he was whipped. It explains why he keeps coming back for more, honestly. He is a grandkids boy, that's for sure.
It highlighted my morning, and as I assisted Abby with her brother's mohawk, and Grandpa went on to talk with his grandson, I realized that neither my dad, nor Abby would remember this moment as the funny moment it was. It deserved a good guffaw later. And that's just what I am doing now. It came out as a snort, but I know what it meant.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
IS that Dr. Scholl's I taste?
The dishes were almost done. i just had the leftover crockpot to do. Granted, i hated dishes enough that it had sat by the sink for...well over the allotted dish-avoidance time, but i was getting to it today. I turned it over to scrub the outside of it, loving that it was just the ceramic tub that came out and i didn't have to wash the entire crock pot, when a mystery was solved. A big one.
Looking sticky, translucently cooked, and glued to the side in a death grip, was the partial word Dr. Sch-. That was all. Just Dr. Sch-. But for me, it was enough. I started laughing, and thought, THIS IS WHY I'M SUCH A DORK!!!!!!! Who else could start off cooking something simple, and end up cooking inserts????
UH. Lets back up here.
I think we all know this about me by now. I cook rarely. When I cook, it is mostly finger food with carrot curly cue's and other assorted flora and fauna, artfully placed around...something that came in a can. My theory is, why make something fancy from scratch when you can dress up the bland? It's why i can get away with a t-shirt at work when it isn't casual Friday. Really.
So when i do cook, it's a big deal around here. At least to me. And to my sou-chef, Addie. It becomes an event and she puts on her lavender Betty Crocker hat. I put on my apron (thanks for that habit, mom. you know i'm messy) and we both crank the tunes.
This particular morning, i put into play the fruition of the last nights brainstorming. That conversation went something like this:
Addie: "mom, we really should cook. It's been a long time."
Mom: "um. how bout sandwiches?"
Addie: "Are u listening? seriously, we need something warm in our bellies. Not chili again, please. I can't open the can at ALL."
Mom: "How bout a crock pott-ee thing-ee? Debbie on Facebook said she uses it all the time."
Addie: "isn't that complicated?"
Mom: "i'm not sure. We should look."
Now those of you that use crock pots as a crutch when you don't have time to do any real cooking, and just "throw any old thing in it", please just look away. Go back to your world conquering, knit your favorite charity a truckload of sweaters over the weekend... life. Any of you that are left, (menfolk, teens, women that watch the cooking channel but don't use it...) this is what happened next.
The next morning i got up, got ready for work, and came down to put together the "cook all by itself while you are away" magic.
This would be a shorter story if the next fact didn't come into play...
Now as we all know, life is sometimes about upkeep. So the gel inserts i keep in my ALL DAY/ALL NIGHT heels were just not sticking to the inside of the shoe like they should. And it was Salsa Lesson night in Boulder, after work. I needed to re-stickiuppee my gels. Um.. side note: Salsa dancing, not Salsa making. I don't cook often, remember?
So i'm rinsing off the inserts in the sink. The kitchen sink. They are all clean and sticky again, because they are that clear silicone stuff that Dr. Scholls made a million on. I don't have to know the why of it, i just like that i can Salsa (badly, but still) after work on Thursdays, because of these bad boys. I put the inserts on the counter (on a towel to dry, and so it isn't on my counter. Feet on counters, ew. This was my compromise.) and washed my hands.
I went to the other side of the kitchen to do the ingredient dump into the crock pot. Beans.... check. Water.... check. Spices.... check. And that was it for now. when husband got home from work, he would dump in the meat and finish it up. whammo! A meal that i wasn't there to watch over.
I took the ceramic part of the crock pot back over to the sink to fill it up with a bit of water, setting it on the towel so i had both hands. (wow. that was nice that there was a towel there so i didn't have to set it on the counter. wonder when i thought ahead that much?... what am i doing for lunch.... how many times will i need to hear annoying co-worker talk about her hair plugs...and so on and so on with the thoughts of the day). Then i put it in the outside part of the crockpot, put the lid on, and forgot about it. I felt so domestic at that point.
I then noticed i was running late, and Addie and i got the menfolk up, and i headed out the door, kicking myself when i walked and noticed that i forgot my gel inserts. "Dang it! i really needed them tonight, but i'll deal" and my day commenced from there.
I walk in the door and am assaulted by a great smell of homemade food......and something else. (what is that? WHAT. IS. THAT. SMELL?)
Next day, i take the ceramic part out of the crock pot, and prepare to just rinse it down a little bit when i'm assaulted by that odd smell again. I pick up the ceramic pot part and .... gunky, stringy, smelly, incredibly sticky stuff is on the bottom of the ceramic pot, up the sides, and stuck to the metal shell. I don't have a clue what it is because, lets face it, i'm an in the moment kind of gal. I rinse off the best of it, happy that at least it's coming off, so it must be some odd food that husband made the last time we used this thing, about 4 months ago... ew. i'd have to speak with him about cleaning up better...... and moved the ceramic to the counter by the sink, vowing i'd get to it later.... you know. LATER.
It was a few days later that the mystery clicked into place. I had cooked my inserts. Cooked them, and then fed the blended scents to my family. I'm that good. Welcome to my life. the worst part???? i mean, really the worst part? Now i'm going to have to go back out and find some more gel inserts. My family will live with the knowledge they inhaled my cooked foot goo. I, however, have Salsa night coming up, and can't live another day without the cushionee goodness.
The crock pot went back into the garage. We are having cheese, meat, and crackers for dinner tonight.
Friday, September 9, 2011
If we are going to Mourn, it really should look my way.
This is what I said to myself as a total stranger popped into the official mourning room for the family. Just as the door was being shut for the official Family Prayer. For FAMILY only. "What gall, to just mosey on in, like he belongs in the FAMILY ONLY area!". I didn't want onlookers out of the onlooker area. We had set it up to be in the foyer and/or the chapel. Clearly marked. Plus, I was busy with a fresh wave of sadness and hurt and... hunger? My belly growled loudly and I played it off as Uncle Gassy-Britches-On-The-Right's business. I was also busy with being tired. And numb. And...noticing that nephew #7 was picking his nose and wiping it under great-aunt Stone-Deaf-So-I-Will-Yell-Instead-Of-Whisper (to be spoken in a hurried and hushed voice)'s...wheel chair seat. eck. I just didn't have it in me to walk over and usher this person out so we could relax and stop being so dignified.
I looked around the room and smiled, both in affection and slight distaste. Uncle Creepy-Vibe was a little too close for my comfort. But that aside, affection. So what if the family was enormous, yet hadn't gathered for a family reunion in years? If ever? So what if they were a mixed lot, with their mourning attire ranging from a peach tuxedo and frilled button-down shirt, to a velvet pair of pants with a torn AC/DC T-shirt that was justified as "Well, it's black, isn't it?". So what if the grand kids had already tried to climb into the casket to play hide-n-seek with Grandma 3 times so far? So what if irreverence was the dominant trait? Pshhh. It was amusing and colorful and ridiculous. And mine.
And, glancing back at the guy that sauntered in, it doesn't mean that just any stranger can just be part of such an intimate thing as the family prayer. No siree, Bob. Not on my watch.
The problem was, I noted, no one else was booting him out. Preteens were walking around him, and toddlers shot through his legs, just as if he had always been in this room. In-laws and out-laws alike (Uncle Had-A-Slight-Run-In-With-The-Cops-In-A-High-Speed-Chase-But-Those-Days-Are-Behind-Me-Now, to be exact), talked with this guy in a slightly deferential manner, and I started to get suspicious. Even stoic old Great Aunt Bat-Any-Child-That-Comes-Near-Her-With-A-Cane stopped fanning herself long enough to take his hand and make clicking noises with her mouth as she shook her head and sighed.
I think I am missing something...
That was right before I was introduced to him as The Mortuary Guy. And, yeah, he was asked to give the family prayer. (Slight gasp at the thought.) He had declined, however, and was just there as a guide to facilitate the process of grief. A supportive onlooker.
Luckily, I had not let my facial expressions match the righteous indignation that was written all over the insides of my eyebrows. I kept quiet the frowny muscles on my left lip, and the puff of air that threatened to snake out my nose. Also, the shoo-ing tendons in both of my hands. (Hmmm. Those tendons also doubled as angry hands when put juuust-so on my hips, I notice.) No, these inside urges simmered slowly down into a bit of embarrassment at my secret snap judgements.
I instead did a properly saddish, yet formally welcoming smile. This, i assumed, was the right degree of "ok, you are in. You may stay and experience the intimacy of the mourn with the rest of us." Which was kind of a silly proclamation, even to myself, considering I was about the newest family member in the room. 19 years new, roughly. And one of the in-laws, at that. You just don't break into this crowd easily. But I am pretty protective of this group. And they overlook my flaws, I hope, as simply as I overlook their warts. So to speak. (There IS a cousin on the wobbly chair in the corner that really pushes the wart limit. By 17.)
The door to the room closed, and I knew that this was the time to focus my thoughts and to say my last goodbye's to a woman that was, herself, the epitome of overlooking flaws. Craaap. The tears, which I thought had just left my eyes for at least another hour on lunch break, crept back in through my stuffy, red nose, and leaked out stubbornly. As Mortuary Guy gave us directions on what would happen next, and who would say the family prayer (Uncle Stuffy-From-Out-East would actually take this role, as Slightly-Tipsy-Cousin-On-The-Other-Side-Of-The-Family didn't have the authority to extend this invitation in the first place.), I saw that there wasn't a script, or an invitation list, or a role to play at all.
This was death.
This was the part where the good, the bad, the messy, and the heroic all meshed up into an event. THE EVENT. The Funeral. And not even Family, Friends, Onlookers, or Event Planners were cut and dry. There is no script, so quit trying to memorize lines. This was what I said to myself as Grandson Angst-Yet-Tender set his ball cap on top of the casket. This was what I meant to myself when Uncle Stuffy relayed words of comfort, of depth, of tenderness as he went through the Prayer, and I was grateful to him for all of his words. This was what I choked to myself as Perfect-Stranger-In-Row-Number-Three took the small toddlers so Daughter-Number-One could speak simply and lovingly of her mother. There is no script... It is what I whispered to Husband as he dry sobbed through the grandkid's musical number of "I am a Child Of God". And, it is what I forgot to chant as I led the closing song of "God Be With You Till We Meet Again", snot and tears running down my face because my hands were full of hymn book and hand motions.
I forgot the proper way to gather the liquid-filled tissues on the chapel pew. So I left them. I also went back through the line that was shuffling out, because I had forgotten my phone and keys. I even wobbled on my stiletto pump as I was politely pushing back into my place in line. Can't we do another practice run? Nope. We just kept doing The Event. Nobody pointed at me. Not one person snickered, or even noticed. Just me.
At the luncheon, laughter reared its welcome head. Food brings about smiles to empty bellies. Also, Seeing Uncle Bring-A-Flyswatter-Everywhere-Just-In-Case save his place at the table with his prize possession... Well, that's just funny. It worked, though. (He got his space.) And as family mowed down mountains of Funeral Potatoes, heaps of ham, and pans of jello with raisins and/or carrots floating around, the laughter became...Allowed. Embraced. Nurtured, even.
Brazenly, the sorrow and heartache was put on hiatus so the hugs and smiles could be passed around. Clasps of hands. Claps on shoulders. Fingers lightly placed on forearms to emphasize a point in conversation. All walls came down as the desserts were devoured, and it became a safe place to heal. To let bygones be bygones. To exchange emails and phone numbers for future connection.
By the time the dishes were cleared, family pictures became a needed activity. Putting the cemetary on hold for just a few more moments, Grand-Dad looked on as Miss Bossy-Yet-effective niece held the camera and moved the grandkids, kids, and spouses, first just a liiittle to the left...then sliiiightly to the right....and Nose-Picking-Four-Year-Old! Hold still, or SO HELP ME I'll spank you all the way to Grandma in Heaven!!!.... until the camera click-click-clicked to capture a generation or two of his offspring. The grin he showed was only slightly wet from tears.
As immediate family packed into cars to making the final trip to bury the shell of One Who Is No Longer There, a different energy went with us. Even somber as I was, I joked with Son number 2, and chided daughter and son number 3 for fighting over the sweet seat in Hoss. Husband backed up our enormous suburban while I thought, "If I had energy for that, I'll have energy to get through the rest of THE EVENT."
...and then, WHAP!!!...
Husband looked in the rear-view mirror, then and looked at me in a way that said, "There really is no script...", and we got out to see Hoss's bumper pushed right through the radiator of Reclusive-Great-Uncle-From-Up-North. Grandma's brother, to be exact. Stroking his scruffy beard and quietly exiting his vehicle, he joined us in watching his rare Jeep truck's radiator spurt fluid 2 feet out. The food I had just ingested felt cold and heavy in my stomach.
I don't think I was the only one to contemplate the hit and run strategy. No one really knew him anyway, right? We curbed our urges, and I did the apologies while Husband and Uncle-Reclusive spoke the outlandish things men say to staunch the flow of car fluids when in a suit and tie. "Pepper in the radiator, that will do it." "Where are my tools? Ugg. I can't find the screwdriver!" "Here is my insurance information. I don't know how it happened." "No, No. I will just pick up a new ...INSERT NAME OF JEEP PART HERE... at the junk yard tomorrow. I was going there anyway." And, Great Uncle-Reclusive rode with us. (Hoss simply had a scratch on the bumper.)
As the teen boys yammered about the street cars they would SO have if they only had thousands of dollars, I thought about what small talk was appropriate with this family member that belonged in this EVENT, yet was just a vague name to me and my immediate family. I simply looked out my window and let curiosity do it's job. Just as I started to inquire, Great Uncle-Reclusive spoke. And spoke. And spoke. About cars and trucks, and everything motorized. Engines and carburetors... and The boys slowly tapered off and listened. He spun short stories that understated just how talented and varied his life was, in the motor arena. He had raced, fixed, and smuggled (eluded to, but still...) cars that my boys had only dreamed of, and that brought him right into their inner sanctum of adoration. Thank goodness for accidental bonding. We was upgraded from Uncle-Reclusive to Great-Uncle-Mysterious.
The last leg of The Event was here. As we pulled up to the rolling hills of the Cemetery, wind blowing and clouds racing by, I saw something that made me giggle and breathe hard, all at once. At the end of the dignified trail-way that led to the grave site, 6 children congregated over the open grave. Kneeling, squatting, chasing around, sitting in the chairs designated for the 8 most prominent members of the family.... irreverence just oozed off of these kids. Without thought, I tramped through the manicured lawn in my stilettos, aerating the whole way, and somewhat pompously shooed those kids away from there. I also looked around to see which parents were not keeping the kids in tow. Eyebrow raised. Lip muscle tugged down. Angry hands kept firmly in place with those tendons. I even think I harrumphed a bit.
All the kids obediently followed me, explaining that they had permission from the parents, and that if they promised not to climb down into the hole, didn't go past the step, and didn't push each other AT ALL.... They could play one last time around the place where Grandma would stay for a while. Yeah. I felt ridiculous. Especially because when I looked back, the parents were staring intently at us all. Where they had always been looking, now that I recalled seeing them right by the trees nearby. Pomp and circumstance were just not invited to this day.
There is no script to Death. It happens whether I ask it to or not. It brings people together in ways that don't make sense, and heals on it's own time. As quickly or slowly as it takes. And that is none of my nevermind. It never was.
I joined the grownups just as they start back toward the grave site, this time without my pumps. Sons, Brothers-in-law, and Nephew bring the casket with the formal fashion that is half tradition and half necessity so they don't trip or drop the precious cargo. It is lovingly laid in it's position and a simple dedication is made. Carnations are added to the flower spray, and it is over. Nothing else need to be added to The Event. But, thank goodness, we don't follow scripts, so grandkids touch the casket. Grandma's kids sit by and talk for the last time to the great lady that left such a legacy. And finally, Grandpa hugs family members, comforting them, smiling and laughing as he lets go of what is to be lowered down, and lets in the reminders of the life he shared and memories he made before the need for The Event even happened.
More pictures. More hugs. More chasing around the lawn. And just like that, The Event was downgraded to When We All Got Back Together. or possibly, What Started The Hugs and I Love You's. Uncle Stuffy-From-Back-East had somewhere along the line become Uncle Reserved-Yet-Approachable-Kindness-And-Humor-Guy. Uncle Had-A-Run-In-With-The-Law... became Uncle Grown-Into-A-Grounded-And-Humble-Man-That-Posseses-Tenderness-And-Love. I let go of what came next in the day.
Strangely, we did not seem to want The Event to end. 2 hours passed before we went back to our cars, and back to our rooms to change out of wrinkled or spotted dress clothes. And, there was still the next day, a spontaneous trip up the mountains for a picnic. And rock climbing. Yeah. Rock climbing. A fitting end before traveling the 8 hours home.
I am thankful for the mysterious man that slipped quietly into the Family Mourning Room. He was the only bit of guidance that moved our family through the day. The rest came on it's own. And took care of itself. Thank goodness I remembered to get out of the way.
I looked around the room and smiled, both in affection and slight distaste. Uncle Creepy-Vibe was a little too close for my comfort. But that aside, affection. So what if the family was enormous, yet hadn't gathered for a family reunion in years? If ever? So what if they were a mixed lot, with their mourning attire ranging from a peach tuxedo and frilled button-down shirt, to a velvet pair of pants with a torn AC/DC T-shirt that was justified as "Well, it's black, isn't it?". So what if the grand kids had already tried to climb into the casket to play hide-n-seek with Grandma 3 times so far? So what if irreverence was the dominant trait? Pshhh. It was amusing and colorful and ridiculous. And mine.
And, glancing back at the guy that sauntered in, it doesn't mean that just any stranger can just be part of such an intimate thing as the family prayer. No siree, Bob. Not on my watch.
The problem was, I noted, no one else was booting him out. Preteens were walking around him, and toddlers shot through his legs, just as if he had always been in this room. In-laws and out-laws alike (Uncle Had-A-Slight-Run-In-With-The-Cops-In-A-High-Speed-Chase-But-Those-Days-Are-Behind-Me-Now, to be exact), talked with this guy in a slightly deferential manner, and I started to get suspicious. Even stoic old Great Aunt Bat-Any-Child-That-Comes-Near-Her-With-A-Cane stopped fanning herself long enough to take his hand and make clicking noises with her mouth as she shook her head and sighed.
I think I am missing something...
That was right before I was introduced to him as The Mortuary Guy. And, yeah, he was asked to give the family prayer. (Slight gasp at the thought.) He had declined, however, and was just there as a guide to facilitate the process of grief. A supportive onlooker.
Luckily, I had not let my facial expressions match the righteous indignation that was written all over the insides of my eyebrows. I kept quiet the frowny muscles on my left lip, and the puff of air that threatened to snake out my nose. Also, the shoo-ing tendons in both of my hands. (Hmmm. Those tendons also doubled as angry hands when put juuust-so on my hips, I notice.) No, these inside urges simmered slowly down into a bit of embarrassment at my secret snap judgements.
I instead did a properly saddish, yet formally welcoming smile. This, i assumed, was the right degree of "ok, you are in. You may stay and experience the intimacy of the mourn with the rest of us." Which was kind of a silly proclamation, even to myself, considering I was about the newest family member in the room. 19 years new, roughly. And one of the in-laws, at that. You just don't break into this crowd easily. But I am pretty protective of this group. And they overlook my flaws, I hope, as simply as I overlook their warts. So to speak. (There IS a cousin on the wobbly chair in the corner that really pushes the wart limit. By 17.)
The door to the room closed, and I knew that this was the time to focus my thoughts and to say my last goodbye's to a woman that was, herself, the epitome of overlooking flaws. Craaap. The tears, which I thought had just left my eyes for at least another hour on lunch break, crept back in through my stuffy, red nose, and leaked out stubbornly. As Mortuary Guy gave us directions on what would happen next, and who would say the family prayer (Uncle Stuffy-From-Out-East would actually take this role, as Slightly-Tipsy-Cousin-On-The-Other-Side-Of-The-Family didn't have the authority to extend this invitation in the first place.), I saw that there wasn't a script, or an invitation list, or a role to play at all.
This was death.
This was the part where the good, the bad, the messy, and the heroic all meshed up into an event. THE EVENT. The Funeral. And not even Family, Friends, Onlookers, or Event Planners were cut and dry. There is no script, so quit trying to memorize lines. This was what I said to myself as Grandson Angst-Yet-Tender set his ball cap on top of the casket. This was what I meant to myself when Uncle Stuffy relayed words of comfort, of depth, of tenderness as he went through the Prayer, and I was grateful to him for all of his words. This was what I choked to myself as Perfect-Stranger-In-Row-Number-Three took the small toddlers so Daughter-Number-One could speak simply and lovingly of her mother. There is no script... It is what I whispered to Husband as he dry sobbed through the grandkid's musical number of "I am a Child Of God". And, it is what I forgot to chant as I led the closing song of "God Be With You Till We Meet Again", snot and tears running down my face because my hands were full of hymn book and hand motions.
I forgot the proper way to gather the liquid-filled tissues on the chapel pew. So I left them. I also went back through the line that was shuffling out, because I had forgotten my phone and keys. I even wobbled on my stiletto pump as I was politely pushing back into my place in line. Can't we do another practice run? Nope. We just kept doing The Event. Nobody pointed at me. Not one person snickered, or even noticed. Just me.
At the luncheon, laughter reared its welcome head. Food brings about smiles to empty bellies. Also, Seeing Uncle Bring-A-Flyswatter-Everywhere-Just-In-Case save his place at the table with his prize possession... Well, that's just funny. It worked, though. (He got his space.) And as family mowed down mountains of Funeral Potatoes, heaps of ham, and pans of jello with raisins and/or carrots floating around, the laughter became...Allowed. Embraced. Nurtured, even.
Brazenly, the sorrow and heartache was put on hiatus so the hugs and smiles could be passed around. Clasps of hands. Claps on shoulders. Fingers lightly placed on forearms to emphasize a point in conversation. All walls came down as the desserts were devoured, and it became a safe place to heal. To let bygones be bygones. To exchange emails and phone numbers for future connection.
By the time the dishes were cleared, family pictures became a needed activity. Putting the cemetary on hold for just a few more moments, Grand-Dad looked on as Miss Bossy-Yet-effective niece held the camera and moved the grandkids, kids, and spouses, first just a liiittle to the left...then sliiiightly to the right....and Nose-Picking-Four-Year-Old! Hold still, or SO HELP ME I'll spank you all the way to Grandma in Heaven!!!.... until the camera click-click-clicked to capture a generation or two of his offspring. The grin he showed was only slightly wet from tears.
As immediate family packed into cars to making the final trip to bury the shell of One Who Is No Longer There, a different energy went with us. Even somber as I was, I joked with Son number 2, and chided daughter and son number 3 for fighting over the sweet seat in Hoss. Husband backed up our enormous suburban while I thought, "If I had energy for that, I'll have energy to get through the rest of THE EVENT."
...and then, WHAP!!!...
Husband looked in the rear-view mirror, then and looked at me in a way that said, "There really is no script...", and we got out to see Hoss's bumper pushed right through the radiator of Reclusive-Great-Uncle-From-Up-North. Grandma's brother, to be exact. Stroking his scruffy beard and quietly exiting his vehicle, he joined us in watching his rare Jeep truck's radiator spurt fluid 2 feet out. The food I had just ingested felt cold and heavy in my stomach.
I don't think I was the only one to contemplate the hit and run strategy. No one really knew him anyway, right? We curbed our urges, and I did the apologies while Husband and Uncle-Reclusive spoke the outlandish things men say to staunch the flow of car fluids when in a suit and tie. "Pepper in the radiator, that will do it." "Where are my tools? Ugg. I can't find the screwdriver!" "Here is my insurance information. I don't know how it happened." "No, No. I will just pick up a new ...INSERT NAME OF JEEP PART HERE... at the junk yard tomorrow. I was going there anyway." And, Great Uncle-Reclusive rode with us. (Hoss simply had a scratch on the bumper.)
As the teen boys yammered about the street cars they would SO have if they only had thousands of dollars, I thought about what small talk was appropriate with this family member that belonged in this EVENT, yet was just a vague name to me and my immediate family. I simply looked out my window and let curiosity do it's job. Just as I started to inquire, Great Uncle-Reclusive spoke. And spoke. And spoke. About cars and trucks, and everything motorized. Engines and carburetors... and The boys slowly tapered off and listened. He spun short stories that understated just how talented and varied his life was, in the motor arena. He had raced, fixed, and smuggled (eluded to, but still...) cars that my boys had only dreamed of, and that brought him right into their inner sanctum of adoration. Thank goodness for accidental bonding. We was upgraded from Uncle-Reclusive to Great-Uncle-Mysterious.
The last leg of The Event was here. As we pulled up to the rolling hills of the Cemetery, wind blowing and clouds racing by, I saw something that made me giggle and breathe hard, all at once. At the end of the dignified trail-way that led to the grave site, 6 children congregated over the open grave. Kneeling, squatting, chasing around, sitting in the chairs designated for the 8 most prominent members of the family.... irreverence just oozed off of these kids. Without thought, I tramped through the manicured lawn in my stilettos, aerating the whole way, and somewhat pompously shooed those kids away from there. I also looked around to see which parents were not keeping the kids in tow. Eyebrow raised. Lip muscle tugged down. Angry hands kept firmly in place with those tendons. I even think I harrumphed a bit.
All the kids obediently followed me, explaining that they had permission from the parents, and that if they promised not to climb down into the hole, didn't go past the step, and didn't push each other AT ALL.... They could play one last time around the place where Grandma would stay for a while. Yeah. I felt ridiculous. Especially because when I looked back, the parents were staring intently at us all. Where they had always been looking, now that I recalled seeing them right by the trees nearby. Pomp and circumstance were just not invited to this day.
There is no script to Death. It happens whether I ask it to or not. It brings people together in ways that don't make sense, and heals on it's own time. As quickly or slowly as it takes. And that is none of my nevermind. It never was.
I joined the grownups just as they start back toward the grave site, this time without my pumps. Sons, Brothers-in-law, and Nephew bring the casket with the formal fashion that is half tradition and half necessity so they don't trip or drop the precious cargo. It is lovingly laid in it's position and a simple dedication is made. Carnations are added to the flower spray, and it is over. Nothing else need to be added to The Event. But, thank goodness, we don't follow scripts, so grandkids touch the casket. Grandma's kids sit by and talk for the last time to the great lady that left such a legacy. And finally, Grandpa hugs family members, comforting them, smiling and laughing as he lets go of what is to be lowered down, and lets in the reminders of the life he shared and memories he made before the need for The Event even happened.
More pictures. More hugs. More chasing around the lawn. And just like that, The Event was downgraded to When We All Got Back Together. or possibly, What Started The Hugs and I Love You's. Uncle Stuffy-From-Back-East had somewhere along the line become Uncle Reserved-Yet-Approachable-Kindness-And-Humor-Guy. Uncle Had-A-Run-In-With-The-Law... became Uncle Grown-Into-A-Grounded-And-Humble-Man-That-Posseses-Tenderness-And-Love. I let go of what came next in the day.
Strangely, we did not seem to want The Event to end. 2 hours passed before we went back to our cars, and back to our rooms to change out of wrinkled or spotted dress clothes. And, there was still the next day, a spontaneous trip up the mountains for a picnic. And rock climbing. Yeah. Rock climbing. A fitting end before traveling the 8 hours home.
I am thankful for the mysterious man that slipped quietly into the Family Mourning Room. He was the only bit of guidance that moved our family through the day. The rest came on it's own. And took care of itself. Thank goodness I remembered to get out of the way.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Oh, she's hanging around, all right...
It just seemed logical. For her to watch over me a bit on her journey up, up, up. And I felt her in the birds silence. In crickets, singing their song in the background. In the Cicadas stuttering harmony, stuttering, then still. Stuttering, then still. And especially in the pool, warm and comforting. It cradled me as I floated around by myself in the night, watching the clouds open and close across the star speckled night. Even the backyard foliage seemed to work to give me this space to mourn.
I kept my eyes up to the sky and wondered why I didn’t cry now. Now, when there were no kids to comfort, no phone calls to take, no head to stroke and hug to give in sadness. There was just me. Me and my gulping ache just at the bottom of my throat. So welcome was the water, with the sky as my focus. Crying was the whole reason I ducked into my friend’s pool. So I could just let my own sadness have it’s time. I needed to sob, and to ache, and to contort my face into pain where no one could see. But the tears didn’t come, and I found myself concentrating instead on the stars. I knew they were just points of light. And constellations. And things to count when I was snuggling down to sleep on my lawn during summer, long ago. However to me, this night, they were beloved members of life's families and friends, watching over us beings still alive.
Maybe she was looking back over her shoulder, I think, as she went further and further on her journey to new things. Maybe she was already there and was looking to see if I could handle her grand-kids with the same patient love as she did. Maybe, and a bit of an angry sob stuck in my throat, she was just floating around somewhere and didn’t care anymore at all. Just part of the universe in a ka-jillion motes of nothing.
That was a secret fear. What if, after all I have been taught and comforted with, she was just really gone? Nothing to look forward to, no reason to look forward to meeting her in another place and time. Just gone? That would mean that I really didn’t have a reason anymore to forgive her for my petty thoughts. My busy life. My assumption that she would just be there in the background. Like these crickets, you know? Chirping beautifully, and adding to my life, but not acknowledging them as a beautiful accompaniment in my life. Enriching whatever setting there is. It would mean that I chose to go into HER background, when I could so easily have stayed engaged in her life. Crap. It’s true, either way.
I felt her here, though, as I wandered through the water. I felt comforted for a few minutes and remembered the same blatant comfort that I felt the first time I met her in her kitchen. In that messy, cluttered, busy kitchen. It was cramped, and well lit. Cows themed that place, and salt n pepper shakers, and miniature spoons from all over the world (a gift from her husband as he wandered from one military assignment to another). Nicknacks abounded and needed a good dusting. It had that country feel of not needing to impress anyone, not even the owners. It was full of bodies and jokes and laughter. And come-on-in-and-leave-your-troubles-at-the-door-ness. It was obviously the heart of the house, and she was the heart of that kitchen.
I remember walking in to it as a new girlfriend to her middle son, in that awkward, stiff way that meant to me, “I am new, and have manners and will not hurt your son while i know him.”, but to her meant, “I got a lotta hurt, and judgements. Just love on me a bit, for as long as I am here.”. And she loved me. Right from the start, and right there in that kitchen. She did about the only thing that would have kept me there. In that kitchen full of teens, and huge dogs running through everything with hair and slobber spraying into the kitchen air, she put me to work. Making food. The kind of food that should never exist in a healthy lifestyle. If she was in the South, she would have put Paula Deene to shame with her fatty, creamy food. From the first mouthful, it was happy goodness. And total indulgence kept me there. So different from the disciplined life that I grew up with. The life of constant repentance for deeds and thoughts not quite pure enough. The life of order and making sense and purpose with a schedule and a routine. And chores and strict manners. (That above all, in my angry, dramatic, teenage view, was what mattered). ...That life had no place in this kitchen. Here, I was enough. Just as I was that day, that moment, that instant. And that was a craving I never knew I even had. So I stayed. I stirred and opened cans, and eavesdropped as the chaos of off-color jokes and suggestive retorts blended with some strange feeling of acceptance. I put the slobber and hair and clutter out of my head that day and just reveled in it. In her.
That is what I was experiencing as I drifted along, toes and belly and fingertips sticking out just a bit, and chilly in the night air. The rest of me feeling decidedly luke warm, which was enough. A gentle breeze blew and I went back to my childish view of a dead person sitting on a cloud in their robe of white, strumming a harp and singing a bit in adoring bliss. Then I chuckled. NOPE. That view stopped right there. For one thing, she would never have worn a robe without adornment. Maybe a gold mu-mu with a white cord.... now THAT would have made a statement. Or been fine sitting in one place. Jumping from cloud to cloud, with strays following her as they look back to see if they will get in trouble... that seemed more her style. In addition, that harp would be replaced with an 80’s boom box, stuck on the sappiest song station. She did love music, i thought with a smile, and sang absolutely off-tone. So seemingly tone deaf was she, that she only sang when she thought others were not listening. But then, by darn, it was with gusto. Without reservation, and decidedly feminine. Her 5'11'’ solid frame would delicately reach for the high notes as she swayed along to the music as she washed dishes. Maybe that would be her heaven, I think. Belting it out and loving her voice.
Eventually, I sit at the edge of the pool in the shallow part. I squat with my legs in a sitting position, just my head above the water. I look down through the clear water to my knees, the lining of the pool, and my red toenails. And think of nothing. That’s when the tears come. And the regret for Not Being There Enough. All those things that people must say when a loved one passes away, I said em to myself. Why did I just move on and let the phone calls get shorter and shorter? And less personal and intimate? Why did I feel like I had outgrown her advice, her jokes, her empathy? Because I was an adult now, I thought. I can make my own decisions, and did not need to consult her or any parent. And, I say quietly to myself, because as she got older, and sicker, and less of her boisterous self… I started resenting her. I resented that she chose to keep eating those wonderful meals and snacks even when the doctors said it was making her sick. I got haughty and angry that she didn’t listen, so she must be stupid, or crazy, or just too old to care about me anymore. Otherwise why would she choose to be sick??? I made it about me. Always about me. My tears and sobs let loose as I found how petty and selfish my thoughts were of her. Not that she was a saint or anything. Lots bugged me about her, but these particular thoughts were so one sided!. She loved and loved and loved and loved. Her kids, her in-law additions, her adopted ones, her grand-kids. She loved us the best she could and knew how. Her 100%. Could I say the same? I loved when it was convenient and when I visited. I loved with considerations. And I loved while I gossiped. (that last one hurt the most.) As she got weaker and weaker, my view of her changed. CRAZY!!!!! Even when her mind started doing quirky things, she was still the quick-witted woman that loved me through the crap part of marriage, kids, and life. And the dark and light parts of me. It just hurt too much to see her look and act different. And I resented her for it.
My tears and sobs went on and on and on. Clear fluids leaked from my face to the pool water and I was glad no one was there to see. I was glad the chemicals took it away.
Eventually I focused on the good times I remember we had. Camping. The jokes and hours of playing cards, and sitting on her bed watching TV in her crazy cold room. The looks of anticipation and joy on my kids faces as we drove into her driveway, knowing they would soon be riding the converted riding lawn mower around in her field. And the advice we both shared openly from the ends of our phones, miles away from each other. She was the Wicked Witch of the West. That made me the Wicked Witch of the East (until my new sister-in-law moved to Jersey). She gave me permission to be human. And still loved for it. That was when I knew she was there. Just reminding me that in this instant, this minute, this night, and any night I needed, she could be there. Her memories are there for the taking. Her love is there for the keeping and sharing. That made it a bit easier to get out of that pool, dry off, stick my shoes into my flip flops, and head home. It’s a gift that I can give back to her family now. Some thing I can use to stay close to her with. And when I see my strays, my adopted kids walk through my door and ransack my kitchen….. well, then, I know she is there, too.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A possible concussion, you say? A faint smile, says I...
.... And I will just go get your dad.
Remarkably, it isn't a concussion that is wrong with son #3. It is a quick case of the dramatic, which the poor boy is genetically prone to. Aaannd... a case of a 6'4" MAN-CHILD bashing into my son's chin and esophogus. It is 3rd son's football practice, and the first one of the season that includes hitting. I am particularly excited that they have included pads in this practice. Whew. I won't need that AFLAC documentation after all...
In point of fact, my son has shared and been very convincing about the fact that he also has a dislocated hip and a broken kneecap. His little sister is completely convinced that the ambulance should take him away, but his dad walks into the room and down-grades it to "hmmm, drilled you somethin' fierce, did he?". My son answers, "Totally! i took the helmut off another guy, though. should have seen his eye!" Grins all around, and cut! End of scene.
Thus, the parental roles are cemented. I am the one to play up to, and his dad is the one to shrug it off. Gotcha. Now I am secure in my duty with him.
MOM: brings him hot chocolate and cucumber salad when he is sad and hurt. ANNDD when dad isn't around. She is allowed to rub his shoulders, and he is allowed to ask for her to push on that sore muscle on his calf. They have bonded and it is enough. This changes when dad is around, of course. At this time, mom becomes a BIT of an inconvenience... (In a Sean Connery voice, for some reason, the man-child might blurt,"what're you doin around here, woman? Stop skulking about and get me some wine!"...SCRATCH THE MAN PARTS AND GRUNT.... type of thing, i think...) Situation solved.
DAD: mostly grunts and says one word sentances to the man-child until he is hurt. then, he spouts a gem of a sentance that both sums up and dumbs down the situation, all in one shot. combined with a hard smack on the back, and a few pokes at a joint or muscle, usually in the most painful spot, the situation has been scoped out and identified to both male's satisfaction. they both go off to watch a show that includes more grunting, scratching, and violence. Situation solved.
As i am smiling and shaking my head, i realize that i can now pass some of the the owwee and boo boos off to others and still get the same result. Bonding. She punts...and....GOAL!!!!!!
Remarkably, it isn't a concussion that is wrong with son #3. It is a quick case of the dramatic, which the poor boy is genetically prone to. Aaannd... a case of a 6'4" MAN-CHILD bashing into my son's chin and esophogus. It is 3rd son's football practice, and the first one of the season that includes hitting. I am particularly excited that they have included pads in this practice. Whew. I won't need that AFLAC documentation after all...
In point of fact, my son has shared and been very convincing about the fact that he also has a dislocated hip and a broken kneecap. His little sister is completely convinced that the ambulance should take him away, but his dad walks into the room and down-grades it to "hmmm, drilled you somethin' fierce, did he?". My son answers, "Totally! i took the helmut off another guy, though. should have seen his eye!" Grins all around, and cut! End of scene.
Thus, the parental roles are cemented. I am the one to play up to, and his dad is the one to shrug it off. Gotcha. Now I am secure in my duty with him.
MOM: brings him hot chocolate and cucumber salad when he is sad and hurt. ANNDD when dad isn't around. She is allowed to rub his shoulders, and he is allowed to ask for her to push on that sore muscle on his calf. They have bonded and it is enough. This changes when dad is around, of course. At this time, mom becomes a BIT of an inconvenience... (In a Sean Connery voice, for some reason, the man-child might blurt,"what're you doin around here, woman? Stop skulking about and get me some wine!"...SCRATCH THE MAN PARTS AND GRUNT.... type of thing, i think...) Situation solved.
DAD: mostly grunts and says one word sentances to the man-child until he is hurt. then, he spouts a gem of a sentance that both sums up and dumbs down the situation, all in one shot. combined with a hard smack on the back, and a few pokes at a joint or muscle, usually in the most painful spot, the situation has been scoped out and identified to both male's satisfaction. they both go off to watch a show that includes more grunting, scratching, and violence. Situation solved.
As i am smiling and shaking my head, i realize that i can now pass some of the the owwee and boo boos off to others and still get the same result. Bonding. She punts...and....GOAL!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Happy, Fat, and Full. Seen it? It's just around the next bend...
HAPPY: Joyful. Not Sad.
FAT: Having enough that you are no longer lacking, to the point of excess.
FULL: Not Needing Anything More in this area.
The elusive state of mind where there are no problems, which means, by default, happiness. Hearts and unicorns, peace and prosperity, a room full of marshmallows to sleep on... whatever the elusive spot of happy goodness is to you, it all looks like something that motivates us to spend more, save more, or wait for our ship to come in.
The problem comes when it all comes in at once. Windfalls. DARN YOUR HIDE!!!!!
My daughter thinks i'm talking about food when i use the term "Happy, Fat, and Full", but it is usually used in a conversation about money. I have had "Thin times", where we are scraping by to make it to the end of the month, or the week. And then there are "Fat times", where we have excess.
And then there are windfalls, which I believe every person has a few times in their lives. Through good or bad circumstances, a heap of Fatness comes our way.
For me, our windfalls have happened 3 times now. The first was when my husband received a large package for getting let go as a result of a merger. And because our mindset was that "we have arrived", ..... we spent it all. No forthought at all. Even when we were telling each other that we need to slow down, stop, and look to the future, we saw the coolest toy or trip and said, "we will worry about it later". and boom! we spent our way into an enormous thin time. 2 years, to be exact, of thinness.
I felt like the sad looking guy that had won the lottery 2 years ago and was now homeless and owing 5000 to a card shark named Borris.
Next was a sad windfall when, as a result of an accident that left my husband with 4 surgeries and a brain injury, we received a settlement. it was after 4 years of recovery and heart ache, so there wasn't a lot of joy in it, but after the bills were paid, a vacation for the family to reconnect, and some put in savings, it was also gone.
This time I just felt empty.
Luckily, we were in a better place physically, and financially now. Husband has had a great many years in his career choice, so when he was let go through yet another merger he has a large network to pull from. This has resulted in the third windfall. He has gone into consulting and it is currently a very FAT AND HAPPY time. Also, we are not in crisis, so we are able to think clearheadedly. My goal is to put money away and save save save save....... still thinking that we will need to even things out when we are in a thin time.
Then, we will be able to ride the storms out without being unhappy. Right?
Ever thought that the ship that's coming in is simply a daily sail around the shore of life? Not a place, a destination or a goal, but the daily appreciation and love for life as it is?
I guess what i'm noticing here is a pattern. i have been shoring up, and being disappointed when i didn't have enough finances to recoup the losses, and disappointed when i had too much finances and felt like i was wasting it.
The interesting part to me is this: when i have been Thin in finances, I have been humbled, and noticed the beauty in small things. I have given of my time instead of money and learned to appreciate being on the receiving end. I have acknowledged that i am not in charge of my life and that i can function without funds. A lot of blessings showed up. And thanks to all those who assisted us in time, tenderness, understanding and, of course, funds.
when i am Fat in funds, it is so much easier to take for granted ... everything. i can fix ... everything.... with flinging money at it, and sometimes that is the last thing someone or something needs for a situation to be truely fixed. I am a bit embarrassed to know that about myself.
So where does this leave me in my goal? my what should i wish for-ness?
How bout just to enjoy the day by day lessons and joy? My windfall is now acknowledged as the day by day happy goodness. A rain storm. A day with friends and family where it doesn't end with the bedroom doors slammed. A mint chocolate shake from ... anywhere. It is no longer a destination, a house, a goal, an amount that gives me the permission to live free. it's my choice every day. I will be working on appreciating the little things and loving them through the thick and thin. The Fat, and The Thin. I just may enjoy them with crab legs every now and then...
FAT: Having enough that you are no longer lacking, to the point of excess.
FULL: Not Needing Anything More in this area.
The elusive state of mind where there are no problems, which means, by default, happiness. Hearts and unicorns, peace and prosperity, a room full of marshmallows to sleep on... whatever the elusive spot of happy goodness is to you, it all looks like something that motivates us to spend more, save more, or wait for our ship to come in.
The problem comes when it all comes in at once. Windfalls. DARN YOUR HIDE!!!!!
My daughter thinks i'm talking about food when i use the term "Happy, Fat, and Full", but it is usually used in a conversation about money. I have had "Thin times", where we are scraping by to make it to the end of the month, or the week. And then there are "Fat times", where we have excess.
And then there are windfalls, which I believe every person has a few times in their lives. Through good or bad circumstances, a heap of Fatness comes our way.
For me, our windfalls have happened 3 times now. The first was when my husband received a large package for getting let go as a result of a merger. And because our mindset was that "we have arrived", ..... we spent it all. No forthought at all. Even when we were telling each other that we need to slow down, stop, and look to the future, we saw the coolest toy or trip and said, "we will worry about it later". and boom! we spent our way into an enormous thin time. 2 years, to be exact, of thinness.
I felt like the sad looking guy that had won the lottery 2 years ago and was now homeless and owing 5000 to a card shark named Borris.
Next was a sad windfall when, as a result of an accident that left my husband with 4 surgeries and a brain injury, we received a settlement. it was after 4 years of recovery and heart ache, so there wasn't a lot of joy in it, but after the bills were paid, a vacation for the family to reconnect, and some put in savings, it was also gone.
This time I just felt empty.
Luckily, we were in a better place physically, and financially now. Husband has had a great many years in his career choice, so when he was let go through yet another merger he has a large network to pull from. This has resulted in the third windfall. He has gone into consulting and it is currently a very FAT AND HAPPY time. Also, we are not in crisis, so we are able to think clearheadedly. My goal is to put money away and save save save save....... still thinking that we will need to even things out when we are in a thin time.
Then, we will be able to ride the storms out without being unhappy. Right?
Ever thought that the ship that's coming in is simply a daily sail around the shore of life? Not a place, a destination or a goal, but the daily appreciation and love for life as it is?
I guess what i'm noticing here is a pattern. i have been shoring up, and being disappointed when i didn't have enough finances to recoup the losses, and disappointed when i had too much finances and felt like i was wasting it.
The interesting part to me is this: when i have been Thin in finances, I have been humbled, and noticed the beauty in small things. I have given of my time instead of money and learned to appreciate being on the receiving end. I have acknowledged that i am not in charge of my life and that i can function without funds. A lot of blessings showed up. And thanks to all those who assisted us in time, tenderness, understanding and, of course, funds.
when i am Fat in funds, it is so much easier to take for granted ... everything. i can fix ... everything.... with flinging money at it, and sometimes that is the last thing someone or something needs for a situation to be truely fixed. I am a bit embarrassed to know that about myself.
So where does this leave me in my goal? my what should i wish for-ness?
How bout just to enjoy the day by day lessons and joy? My windfall is now acknowledged as the day by day happy goodness. A rain storm. A day with friends and family where it doesn't end with the bedroom doors slammed. A mint chocolate shake from ... anywhere. It is no longer a destination, a house, a goal, an amount that gives me the permission to live free. it's my choice every day. I will be working on appreciating the little things and loving them through the thick and thin. The Fat, and The Thin. I just may enjoy them with crab legs every now and then...
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Now I know how a horse may feel...
As it is in the chute of a racing stall.
The anxiety: will this ever start? How long do I need to be in here...alone... Knowing others are on either side of me, just as nervous and raring to go???
I know this because I was just at Rock Bottom Brewery with some friends and, inevitably, used the loo.
First, the checking of the stall for cleanliness and loose debris. Then committing to what I see as the best option only to realize that they are all really the same.
Next, walking into this stall only to find I have to straddle (STRADDLE!) the loo just to fit my body in and shut the door. Backing slightly up, shimmying around so I am facing the right way, and this is the point that I am unsure if I am the horse or the jockey.
I find that the loo is strangely low and I am crouching, with calves practically dug in on either side of the porcelain bowl, knees bent, and torso forward ready to leap out of the gate.
Do I really need to have only inches on either side of my shoulders before I hit metal walls? And will someone be calming me down with a pat on the neck and some soothing words?
The lady in the next stall turns to her cell phone for comfort. The beeping of the buttons and sounds of "Angry Birds" confirms this. The lady on the other side clacks her heels on the tiles, first the left heel (click, click, scuff), then the right (click, click, scuff). It starts again...
FLUSH!!! and the doors fly open! It's a race to the sinks, the soap dispenser, and finally, the air dryer.
Thank goodness it's a Dyson supra jet dryer. Zoom!!! I take second place, but know I have done my best.
Bathroom designers here have a sense of humor, and have seen Micky Rooney riding a bale of hay in "The Black Stallion".
Yet another wonder of loud, crazy restaurants.
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